Goodbye…

Death can be a real good thing.

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A part of me died this morning.

You would think that “investing” your life in the lives of others for any length of time would be like sowing a seed of love and of course, you would reap it in return.

At least, that’s what I thought. Years of service, doing for others. Putting myself and needs of my family second, third, or even last. Doing without for the sake of the ministry and out of love. After many years l faced the waking moment finding myself all alone with no one to turn to, to talk to, to share my burden.

(Then it happened! Sitting in solitude, bathing in my sorrows,
My epiphany rode in on that perfectly pure white horse.
Service is just that.
Service!
You should expect nothing in return for anything you consider yourself obligated to do.)

So, back to investing in the lives of others. That would include friendships if that is what you want to label it as.
(Personally, I do not “anymore”)

I have realized that I cannot expect from others the same that I would give them. That doesn’t make them less of a person. They simply are not capable of loving me to the degree I love them, or need. If I am not getting back what I am putting out… then one day… There will be nothing left.

I also have realized that I cannot judge my worth on what other people think of me.

All but a handful of those I’ve emotionally invested/poured myself in has failed to be here for me.

Coming to that:

“sad but truthful realization,”

Put my spirit at deaths door
as well as
my mind in a dangerous place.

so I just sat.
At that one place.
And I continued to die.

After all.
I am nothing.
I am nobody.

Many,
Most of my friends (?)
Family (?)
Has let me know that by what they “have and have not” done.
They are the people I’ve looked up to and valued their opinions. So, they must be right.

Ya think?

WOW..
To think that I’ve allowed others to have that much
“Control” over
My happiness.
My emotions.
And then sit, have a picnic and stay there by the pool.
(Pool of Bethesda) feeling sorry for myself because of what someone did to or did not do for me.

Just because I’m not significant enough to them?
What makes the opinion of that one person or group of individuals so special that I would “sit” by the pool for so long?

Since I have not one really “good” reason to sit by the pool anymore, then I’m getting in.

This chapter is closing, and I see no need to finish the book.
But I’m starting a new one.

I’m going to take a few things/lessons and people with me. I’m expecting this next book to be interesting and full of surprises.

So, Goodbye.
Thank you for being what you were in my life at the time you were.
I have found that I need more than what you’re capable of giving.
I wish you well.

(Deep breath)
OK, here goes.

#paulaspen

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